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March 7th, 2008
09:55 pm - on and on.....on and on.
its steady and at the same time insane.
compiled with this weird, awkward understanding.
somehow it works.
or at least it has.
i love it actually. every last bit.
i guess it's cause i love him.
just my thoughts at this moment.
and im thankful, in a huge way.
thanx Lord. you are my awesome sender.
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March 2nd, 2008
07:14 pm - Hit the road running......
It's on.
He wants to take me for full custody. and oddly enough, today, after all the bullshit within the last two weeks he was nice to me and we actually had a decent convo. (only through email of coarse)
maybe it's just his voice that angers me? whatever. who knows right?
im filing for child support this friday, im supposed to be in a workshop all day long to learn how to fill out the paper work properly and then meet with a public defender who will represent me and help me file the case and the hearing.
im starting to get those feelings again though. the ones where i think he is actually a good guy and i shouldnt go after him for this. but really, the fact of the matter is that i am not making enough money to effectively raise Sophia. So i dont really care if he is the best guy on earth, i need help raising OUR daughter financially. bottom line.
if he wants to go after me for full custody because i genuinely need help financially, then go for it. It will not happen. no way. seriously. no way.
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06:55 pm - Faith for peace.
She is beautiful and brilliant.
Steadfast and compassionate.
Wonderful and cute.
We each put in a piece of our parts.
A piece of our souls.
A piece of our minds.
There are no words for my resentment.
No words for my anger.
No words for my imbedded hurt.
I can't look at her when she sleeps.
She is so magnificent and innocent.
It makes me feel like a monster, for hating you this much.
I ask the Lord consistently to give me faith for things to resolve.
I ask the Lord for the strength of patients.
I ask the Lord why this happened.
I realize now it was for a large reason.
I realize now it was for the greater good for us both.
I realize now it was because we both need to believe.
Believe that the Lord will get us through this.
Believe that we are good enough parents to raise her.
Believe that there is no better reason for peace than our baby.
Faith is the answer.
Faith is the truth.
Faith will prevail.
Give it time.
Give it your heart.
Give it to him and let it go.
Current Location: Law firm conference room
Current Music: sufjan stevens
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February 14th, 2008
12:28 pm - It's all good.....
I am so incredibly blessed.
eventhough there is a ton of stuff goin down in
my life right now. i have so much to be thankful for.
John and i have found a wonderful church, and i get excited every time i think about sundays :)
Pastor Mike said last sunday, that we are not meant to be on this journey of christianity alone, and it's so clear every time i sit in church just how true that is. The vibe is like a powerhouse in there. We are all so passionate about Christ and it just passes from one person to the next. The feeling is so amazing and so real. I am so thankful to have John there with me. It is very hard to be in a relationship with someone who doesnt share the same religious beliefs as you. It's a very big part of my life, and im not sure how it would work out if he didnt feel the same way.
i love him so much. He is turning into one of my best friends, and i just feel so comfortable. it's just easy, which is how i know it's right.
Thank you Lord for bringing him into my life. Thank you so much.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/plain_hammy.gif) content
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September 26th, 2007
08:06 pm - interesting....
Things definatley happen for a reason.
and that is why i am where i am.
the end.
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August 12th, 2007
10:02 am - Single is sensational :)
And why on earth did i ever think otherwise?
what would i be looking for validity from a man for?
i guess what it breaks down to, is that i like to feel wanted.
who doesnt?
but it is more than good enough for me to love myself,
and for the love of my daughter and my sister kate to engulf my heart.
damn straight.
Current Location: love
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/smiling_hammy.gif) cheerful
Current Music: feist
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August 4th, 2007
07:37 pm - Horribleness on a stick.
It is absolutley amazing to have that epiphany of how in tune you truly are with everything around and how long it has been that way for you.
i knew he was cheating.
are you kidding me? all the signs were right there staring me in the face.
practically confronting me, saying "whatcha gonna do about it sarah?"
what did i say: "nothing, because i have a baby"
i wish i would've left sooner.
what difference would it have made.
she is super confused now that we have split custody, and if i would've left sooner, it might not have been so bad.
but wow! that long!
it's amazing how you can think one thing and feel another.
completley ignoring both @ the same time because neither are insync with eachother.
out of all of this, i know one thing is true:
NEVER EVER AGAIN.
i will be damned if i ever let this happen to me again.
the next time, i will be so much more guarded.
it wont be that easy.
that is for sure.
but none of this even has anything to do with me.
he was a horrible person before i ever showed up, and will continue to be this way even now that i am gone.
it doesnt matter who is there and who isnt. that is who he is.
im just heartbroken that someone i gave everything to could possibly do all of this to his wife and the mother of his beautiful beautiful child.
but all that was never important to someone like him.
it wouldve never mattered as much to him as it did to me.
he just isnt that way. those arent things he cares about.
and never will.
and that is okay..
because i will find someone who does genuinely care about those things.
who cares about me and my wonderful sophia.
it will come.
one day.
but first things first: move out.
Current Location: big comfy chair
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/curious_hammy.gif) curious
Current Music: Feist
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July 30th, 2007
04:27 pm - Sickness equals sadface!
yeah, so im totally sick with an ear infection and really bad sore throat.
today is my oral presentation in my cultural anthropolgy class: GREAT!!!!
Im not gonna be as bubbly as i want to be because i feel like total crap.
this sucks, and i hope everything goes well and i get a good grade anyways :)
and today, i feel really fat.
blah.
Current Location: computer lab
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/tired_hammy.gif) exhausted
Current Music: typing.
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July 22nd, 2007
01:23 pm - Please Lord. Find us a home.
ive been praying a lot.
this one would be ideal.
my little darlin with her own room
and me and katie with our own.
pleasepleaseplease let this one work out.
Current Location: three walls
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/hopeful_hammy.gif) hopeful
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July 4th, 2007
06:52 pm - Beginings, are lovely things.
It's sad, the end of something.
always wanting to go back for some odd reason, and somehow missing it before it even ends.
like finishing a great book.
reading the last ten pages as slowly as possible to hold on to the book, as if you could never read it again.
Some very odd atrocities have come up recently, spinning my mind into this insane mixture of hateful emotion.
but at the same time, my emotions are no where near as hateful as one would assume they would be given the situation.
I feel like, after meditation, and some serious thought,
that perhaps the reason all of this has taken place, is truly and merely for my own health and sanity.
maybe, i really never did anything in a past life, or in my past, to cause such horrible hurt.
maybe, my mind and my heart, just needed to be put to rest, so that i could heal myself through the strength of loving myself with the same effort and devotion as i loved him.
God, is truly as powerful as we all know him to be.
He truly does answer questions, and most importantly, prayers.
He is amazing, He is real, He is 100% a part of me.
I am so at peace, with all that has happened.
and especially at peace with God.
I see him, I can actually feel him.
Inside me.
I know that all of this is not over yet.
im sure that more things will arise through time, and more inappropriate information will fill my ears, and then proceed to fill my heart.
but im not exactly sure, if when it gets there, it will stay for very long.
because i absolutley love who i am.
and before any other love shall enter my life, at least i know that whether it works or not,
is really not a cause for concern, because in the end, i always have myself. i always have
Sophia.
Im not sure, if i have ever been this happy, in my whole entire life.
sure, i have my issues. everyone does.
i have the everyday stresses like we all do.
but to have absolute inner peace, and understanding, and compassion for myself, really helps me to see all of those mundane factors as merely a side note to the way bigger picture we call life.
I have my soul mate, she is back in my life in full affect, and nothing will EVER come between that ever again.
my incredible daughter, who at the age of 2, knows exactly how to take a broken person in, and heal their imbedded wounds of divorce and deception.
My family and friends, who have been through this entire battle with me, God Bless them, for making it this far.
there is more to come, just as fair warning. but i know that they will still be there because they always have.
Now, on this warm 4th of july evening, i am going to start a quilt for my amazing So-So bean, with love and whole- motherly- spirit in every single stitch.
I thank the Lord, and i thank myself, for reaching this state.
and i thank my biggest supporters, for all the help and reassurance.
Current Location: Quilt land
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/enthralled_hammy.gif) enthralled
Current Music: inner peace.
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June 24th, 2007
12:06 pm - pumped!
I am seriously pumped about life right now! last night i went to the Angels game with Dr.Hamil and his wife, and melissa. We had a blast. drank some beer, had some pizza. It was much needed, and great to get outside of the hospital together. Last night, stayed with a Cat with diabetic ketoacidosis, tried to help it thrive, learned a ton about aspiration and breathing patterns, from the help of melissa and Dr.Hamil. Woke up early this morning, went to Pacific Vet Conference from 7-10.They had great lectures and really intelligent speakers. Who dont bore you to death! which was nice. Now im pet sitting for a breeder of Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. One of the dogs is a new mommy with three new pups. so im watching the pups, making sure they nurse and are breathing etc.... im just realizing, that things will be okay. i know that my darlin Sophia is having her bday party with daddy today, and im sure she is having a blast. I said goodnight to her last night and she said "ni-ni mommy!!!" God, i just love her with every fiber of my being. now, im about to go through all my divorce paper work, and get a list going to present to the judge tomorrow. Some much needed things that need to be addressed, will be brought up tomorrow. This is wonderful, and my daughter and i are immensly blessed. How on earth could i ever think differently? Thank you Lord. You make me whole, you make safe, you make me the mother i am. Om Namah Shivaya.
Current Location: Puppy town
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: The Fish
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June 21st, 2007
10:07 pm - Rise above
so, im pretty sure, im rising out of it.
it feels good,
it feels normal and safe.
just one more day.
monday.
its our official court date.
then its all over till those papers come in the mail saying that i am offically free of any legal bonds to him.
which will feel brilliant.
i have my peach with me tonight.
therefore. im not the least bit lonley.
i also got to chat with an old friend, and it felt really really good. and hopefully we will talk some more.
if it wasnt late, i would read, but i dont have the energy to be honest.
The cool part;
i have now completely come to terms with the fact, that he really and truly just does not care.
it was so obvious ya big dummy.
why didnt i just look at it this way all along, instead of wishing that he would come around?
how ridiculous.
i guess i just had faith in him as a person.
but its sad, he never cared.
and never will.
so why waste all this time being sad over such a person?
what the hell is the point.
custody is worked out.
so after the judge lets us leave on monday.
i will have nothing else to fret over.
i cant fret over anything else.
ive done WAY too much of that these past couple weeks.
it felt good to let myself feel the way i needed to feel.
it was healthy and reassuring.
tomorrow will be better.
yes.
Current Location: my cozy burrow
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/thoughtful_hammy.gif) contemplative
Current Music: my daughters breath
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June 18th, 2007
11:00 pm - please no.....
It is happening again.
i can feel it.
please Lord, hear my prayer:
dont let this happen again.
i will do anything to stop feeling this way.
i just reached a point where i was okay.
please dont let this happen.
i cannot believe that there are people in the world, who deal with this on a daily basis.
maybe i need medication for the time being?
if thats what it took.
i would do it.
to top this all off......i have never had such low self esteem in my entire life.
seriously.
there are days, i dont want to go to school or work or anywhere because i hate the way i look that much.
i will think of excuses in my head, but then i instantly remember, that i am doing all of this for one reason:
SOPHIA.
if she was not here with me through all of this.
im honestly not sure, if i would still be alive.
please, im not this dramatic person.
but truly, if my little sunshine was not with me.
im not sure what my fate would be.
this hurts, more than anything i have ever felt.
physical pain, doesnt have shit on how this feels.
this type of pain, will take years to heal.
and i am just now starting to come to terms with that.
i guess i just thought that i could get over it quickly and forget about it.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
i've got to make myself whole again.
and not try to just put together the pieces for sophia, so she doesnt see how broken mommy is.
i mean really make myself whole again.
so i can be true to her and myself. and everyone else for that matter.
this shit is ending right now.
it has to.
or it will be the death of my soul, and if there is one thing i have never doubted in my entire life, it is my soul.
i would never disagree with it.
it is the one part of me that i have unconditional love for.
and always will.
i can hear it telling me, in a strong but comforting voice: " take your time, your feelings are valid. decompress, so you can love you as much as i do, and then come back ten times as strong, and BECOME YOURSELF IN ALL ITS WONDERFULNESS"
i have to go to bed.
but im taking a day.
that day is tomorrow.
i need to prepare for wednessday. and i want to spend a much needed day with my daughter.
im calling in sick.
and im saying " my soul told me to"
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/sick_hammy.gif) nauseated
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June 17th, 2007
06:40 pm - done.
its done.
it has officially been deadbolted.
and im sad as ever.
im taking a shower. watching a movie and painting my toes.
what else is there to do.
i will meditate @ 4 am tomorrow.
release.
and start again.
ham sa.
om namah shivaya.
Current Location: alone.
Current Mood: Empty
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June 16th, 2007
08:52 pm - It is nice to spend some time with myself.
I have a weekend to myself in capistrano beach, in a super cute house, watching a super cute dog.
Im watching one of my favorite movies, i plan on staying up really late because i can totally sleep in however late i want tomorrow.
im gonna get up late, take care of my pet duties, read, crochet, write, go on a walk with babe, just hang out along and love every single minute of it.
im totally gonna miss my sophia pie. but honestly, i need the time to myself.
im gonna travel around and see what i can do around here and find good places to eat. maybe see a movie. i havnt seen a movie in ages.
but finishing my book is on the top of the list. i want to start my other book. im loving this weekend already.
Melissa is on her way over here right now,and we're gonna watch more movies and play 80s trivial pursuit and just be girlies together. after the day @ work we had today, we need some serious kick back time.
on another note: i just want to mention that i feel fabulously free from the heartbreak of my divorce today. or at least right now. im sure i will feel that way tomorrow. all i know is that, it is moments like this that i know my decision was right. no matter how weighty it may seem.
he would've never allowed this. he would've just called me and had a total attitude about having to stay with sophia, and her being "hard to handle".
he is a much better father now that we are not married. and i love it, because it makes another alarming observation of how much this divorce makes perfect sense.
he hugged me tight today when i dropped off sophia.
it shocked me.
it felt warm, and familiar, and sad.
i almost missed him.
almost.
but i got in my car, drove away and it was gone.
and its gone now.
and im more thankful than ever.
I wonder if he misses me.
i hate him so much for hurting me as badly as he has. i bet he never even thinks about how much has happened.
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June 13th, 2007
10:35 pm - hmmm....?
I wonder......
is there anything there at all?
Or am i mistaking the apathy for ugliness?
at this point, im sure no one would be able to tell.
he says its because hes "stressed out"
i can empathize. im going through this divorce too!
im unsure how to even move foward right now. I want to hold on to my backbone, but at the same time, i dont want it to be this cold between us.
we have a child, afterall.
maybe things will change after the courtdate.
maybe this is just anxiety because of the courtdate? which i would assume is a common affliction among us divorced folk.
although, im not that anxiety ridden about it just yet.
however, i can kinda see that divorce-reaper hovering over my shoulder, ready to make me crumble and burst into to tears.
well, i guess all i can do is continue to read my awesome books, crouchet a ton of really cute things that no one needs, and work on the goals i have put in front of myself.
not all is lost. although, it almost was tonight on the way home.
i just want to put me and sophia in a really comfy time capsule and have someone really nice dig us up when all this divorce bullshit is over.
is that so much to ask?
Current Location: between sad and confused.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/cold_hammy.gif) cold
Current Music: none
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June 6th, 2007
09:29 pm - Me and myself, till death due us part.
Im reading this amazing book right now, and i think it has a lot to do with why im so into introspection @ the moment.
I have decided to start building a better relationship with myself. I am my own relationship. I am married to myself.
I really think i started to realize it when a certain someone called me and wanted to hang out and i was trying to think of reasons not to.
When just a few months ago, i couldnt wait to see him.
i think this is why it is the best time for me to just focus on (obviously Sophia) but myself also.
Im not even feeling lonley at this point. im feeling liberated and self assured.
I have a lot of goals to work on. but im taking them one at a time and i wont move on to the next one till the first one is finished.
I know that i am not happy with my body, although, sometimes, i dont feel like it's that horrific.However, 90 % of the time, im thinking of how to change it. Which is so disheartening. I shouldnt focus on such trivial things, but it has a lot to do with my happiness.
I eat environmentally conscious, so if im helping animals and the earth, why would it be so bad to focus on weight loss right now? i dont see anything bad, i try my hardest to be the best human being i can be, so trying to make myself happy with my outer shell shouldnt be so self absorbed. or at least i hope not.
Our court date is coming up, and im excited to get this show on the road. lets end this shit already. i want to have all my ducks in a row, so we are able to get in, and get out. sign it and leave.
We, of coarse will have to talk about child support and what-have-you. but after that, he will just need to sign(because i already have) and we can go our seperate ways.
That is one goal off the list right there. (finalize your divorce:check!!)
I love not talking to him anymore. it makes things and just life in general so much easier. He doesnt ever call me during the week to see how our daughter is doing, so im certainly not going to do him the favor by calling him and letting him know. You are a dad if you want to be, and im not gonna push you. ive already tried that.
it's just good to know that no matter how much i dont want to see him right now, it doesnt make things akward when we do see eachother. mainly because i am just happy. Happy that i am alone. happy that i am sarah ann, a mother, a student, an animal rights activist, a vet assistant. and most importantly, no longer a wife to a miserable person.
Now, i just have to reach goal #1 and i will be well on my way.
every day, goal #1, day by day, till i get there.
Current Location: the dark
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/rejuvenated_hammy.gif) rejuvenated
Current Music: waterheater
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May 29th, 2007
01:24 pm - Could this day just go smoothly?
Today has just been nuts.
im on my lunch @ work, and it has been crazy as hell.
(but when isnt it around here!!)
i love my job, but sometimes, its just so damn stressful.
i will not see my sugar bean all day today, i have to go walk josh, then go straight from there to school, take my H.D. final from 5-7 and then run to make my math class from 7-10pm.
i am already tired just thinking about it.
i want to leave so bad right now. im just feeling so damn stressed out.
im breaking out like crazy too!!
when i get home tonight, im gonna just sleep, and love every bit of it.
i cant wait till this semester is over and i can start my summer school classes with my bestie!!
im just done with this semester. really done.
im wanting my math final to go okay, if not really good.
im thinking about that 24-7.
cant wait to see my grades.
hoping they are okay.
ive been so busy this semester.
oi. im stressed.
i need some meditation time. serious.
i need to just say a mantra all day long.
im done!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Current Location: work
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/stressed_hammy.gif) stressed
Current Music: dogs barking
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May 28th, 2007
02:06 pm - A new leaf
I have decided that i am turning a new one.
I have so much to look foward to and so much to be thankful for, so why am i spending my thoughts on something in the past, and someone who now seems to be so trivial?
I want to be the best human being that i can possibly be. I want to become a true humanitarian.
I want to live with all the things that make up a great person, a giving person, a loving person.
acceptance, compassion, peity, temperance, selflessness, and responsibility.
I want to focus on my daughter and myself, and all the things around us that may need our help.
I want to be able to donate more to the foundations that i am apart of.
NRDC and PETA. I want to be able to introduce Sophia to more animals. Whether they are small or big.
even if it is just a trip to the zoo for a day.
she loves animal already, im just gonna go with it :)
It is memorial day, and it has been such a relaxing, fun loving family day.
My little peach muffin is sound asleep in our bedroom, and eventhough there are toys all over our floor and left overs all over my desk, im really not worried about it right now.
it doesnt matter.
all that matters , is that we have a wonderful little burrow. and we are comfortable.
at least i know,that Sophia will never feel unloved or unnurtured. she has that every where she turns around here.
she is my soul, she is my everything.
and always will be.
i love today, and i am forever thankful as always :)
Current Location: Bedroom
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/twotone/hamsters/relaxed_hammy.gif) peaceful
Current Music: Rufus Wainright
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May 27th, 2007
08:02 pm - I miss my sugar bean and my tummy hurts
I miss Sophia sooooooo much right now. i havnt seen her in almost two whole days. That is practically unheard of considering i have never been away from her this long.
The worst part, is he is on his way here right now.
i dont want to see him.
i dont want to.
i really, really dont want to.
it is going to be cold.
its going to be everything he is, which is nothing.
hes a big ball of nothingness, and it breaks my heart.
breaks my heart to think that i spent 4 years of marriage
(not that you can really call it that, since i was practically the only one in it)
with someone that sad, someone that unsure of himself, and someone with no feelings.
its almost like hes not even a human being.
like he would have nothing internally, if ever opened up.
just a big hallow space, screaming help.
im through helping you.
you fucked me over,
and fucked up everything i ever stood for.
i wasnt myself when i was with you, and i hate you for that.
i was never able to do anything i wanted when i was with you,
and i had no friends.
while you went out every fuckin night with all of your friends.
well fuck you mister popularity.
im over you, and you making me feel like a piece of shit.
like my bestie says: i should recieve a medal of honor for putting up with/and taking care of you for as long as i did.
not to mention dealing with your psychotic family. especially your mother.
and i found it fantastic that you had no desire to talk to me when you were feeling down. but would call your mommy and sis right in front of me instead.
fuck you travis.
fuck you for all the nights i cried myself to sleep with our baby by my side, instead of you.
fuck you for abusing my heart and soul for so long.
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